How to watch a movie

Seems like there are a lot of people who can't do basic stuff like watching a movie. They fail to realize movies are one of the better things that you can do with friends instead of stuff like chilling or playing pool. For starters, you wouldn't have to listen to them talk. See!? You are convinced already aren't you? Not to worry, I am here to give advice on how to watch a movie. But, if there is slapstick humor shows, always watch it first, ask questions later. Chances are, they will be good although good is subjected to a matter of relative reference. Any show is good compared to (insert name of any show about animals).

Selecting a movie
If there is chainsaws and torturing, it's a safe bet. Swords and guns are a good mix. Any show that has ninjas in it deserved to be watched twice. On the weekends. That's how kickass ninjas are. While we are at it, who doesn't love zombies?

Cartoons are a no no. Flush away? Finding nemo? Toy Story? Oh please. There are only 2 categories of guys who watch cartoons, the ones who are forced by their girlfriends/dates to do so (God bless their soul) and the kind who deserved to be run down by a monster truck.

Beware of documentaries disguised as movies. “The inconvenient truth” comes to mind. Do you really want the guy who lost to Bush in the presidential elections to preach to you about saving the world? It’s BUSH for god’s sake. Who couldn't beat Bush? (Apparently John Kerry and Saddam managed not to do so) You are better off watching animal planet or discovery channel seeing guys get stung to death by sting rays.

During the movie
Despite your best effort in selection of the movie, sometimes it is inevitable you end up catching a show that isn't really that fantastic. Besides talking on the phone and making loud snoring noises, you can spoil it for everyone else by predicting whatever is going to happen. Say, if you are watching a horror massacre film. Predict who is going to die and who is going to survive and tell the person 5 seats away from you. Remember, it doesn't matter if you don't know the person. They are probably glad that you are offering to save them time by telling them the ending for free after they spent 10 bucks on the show. But how do you go about your prediction? It's so easy that a retard could do it. Always look for the prettiest female character who will always survive and go on to make horrible sequels and milk the money out of horror fans and retards. Who am I kidding? There is no such things are horror fans.

During the movie, sometimes there might be certain scenes that require you to have certain reactions. Let's say, during a scene of 2 guys having sexual tension, eg every scene of Frodo and Sam in LOTR, you must loudly exclaim that it was extremely gay and you would most certainly not had brought tickets to this show if you knew “how gay it is”. This is of utmost importance that guys do this step properly, for without it, you would not be asserting your manliness. Ladies, if your guys did not do what was recommended above, it's time to test your man's manhood.

(Off topic, the manhood test involves a subtle crotch squeeze to check if what is supposed to be there is there. The word here is subtle mind you, not to raise his suspicion or crush them. You wouldn't want any nasty surprises 5 years down the road wouldn't you?)

However, I cannot stress enough how some dorks take it to the other extreme and get all excited during scenes with sexy females. Wrong. This just makes you look like a pervert. We all know you are a big pervert who filled your video ipod with porn for “just-in-case” moments when you are outside, but SHE doesn’t know that. I don’t think your date would be very impressed.

After the movie
It is inevitable that you would have to talk about the show after getting out of the theater. This is based on the assumption that you actually have friends. No, Barney isn't a real friend. Always compare this movie with another show that you had watched before and claim that the other show is better. This gives an impression that you know more things (and that you have nothing better to do with your free time), and allows to you have the authority on the discussion. For those of us who actually rather not waste time accumulating years of knowledge on movies, here's a handy tip. You can compare the show to stars wars. The show has 6 movies in total! How to you beat that? Granted I only caught 2 out of 6, but that wouldn't stop me from advocating it.

Friend : Deathnote is a good show isn't it?
Me : Blah. Star Wars is better.
Friend : Huh? Why so?
Me : Stars Wars have light sabers.
Friend : What the? Dude, they are different genres. How can you even compare them?
Me : I’m not listening. Lala~lalala~~
Friend : …

At this point, your friends should be in awe of your lack of logic and be dumbfounded. If they wouldn't shut their gap, do us all a favor and kill him or her.






Watching movies are rather hard now that I think about it.