Muse

Unknown to most people, I worry quite a lot. I know most people whom I know, think I am all smiles. Especially the people in the office seem to always ask why I keep smiling when I reach my desk. Not that I am trying to put up a front or something, but I honestly enjoy going in to work every day. Sometimes when I have issues at work, or maybe some requests are more interesting to handle, I even get excited. Especially since if I am the only one who is handling it. It makes me feel like I am really working and earning my keep.

There are a couple of things keeping me awake at 3 in the morning.
Firstly, health related issues. Lately a colleague of mine had a scare, which she has to possibly remove her womb if there are cancerous cells detected. Thankfully, it was nothing serious. But then I keep thinking about girlfriend and family. I kept thinking what will happen if something bad like that happens to the people I love. I would imagine that girls in general, would feel incomplete if the organ which defines them as a woman is gone and their right to motherhood is denied by something beyond their control. I find it scary if it is to happen to my girl. However, since that time I thought about this issue, I decided I would have to abandon the olden conservative ways of thinking about family. Some Chinese, or rather most traditional Chinese families want their male child to bear children to continue to family line. I would imagine some men, would leave their spouse or girlfriend for someone healthy. But not me. I can never do that.

If something really happens to girlfriend, or even something happened to me, and we can’t have children, I would guess adoption is still an option to us. I can’t profess to love kids, but I think children complete a family, a way that no pet can. Modern thinking has lead to people keeping dogs or cats and treating them like a child. I like cats, yes. But not to that extend. Similarly, I am worried about my sisters. I heard someone told me before that a friend’s cousin contacted something similar when she was only 20 years old. My sisters are around that age.

But if fate really gave us a bad hand, I already worked out a plan of sorts.
Any operation or consultation would need money.
With my current (lack of) savings, I doubt I can afford any medical treatment.
Sorry to say, but I think will borrow money from a few selected friends if need be. I figured, any treatment would cost on the upwards of 10grand, and I am prepared to work hard to get that sum of money. Or if I cannot, there is always cash line loans from banks. Interest payment is only a secondary concern compared to health matters of girl and family.

I know it’s silly or even overly ambitious of me to be thinking about this, but I am aiming for a management role after a year. If I can get that, I sincerely believe these monetary issues would be somewhat settled.

This brings to another concern, my work. Work is fine in general, sometimes though, I feel overshadowed by my team mates, yet at times, I seem to be doing just fine. Guess they say, sometimes, it just ain’t your day. A huge mark against me, would be my dismal IPPT results, which results in remedial training on Tuesday and Sunday due to start in December. Sunday is of no worries, but Tuesday night would affect my work due to the timing. Of course I am not pleased about this, but who can I blame but myself? This is why I have decided to sign up for a gym membership, likely with California fitness very soon. Comparing the cost, it is really attractive and I believe it would greatly aid in my training. Moreover, if girlfriend decides to sign up together, we can go for classes together on the weekend. Girlfriend claims that she is getting fat, which I disagree, but I do think it would be great if she exercises more. To her credit, she has been jogging in the nearby park these weeks, and I am extremely proud of her for her effort.

Girlfriend seems to be very troubled. I think the fact that we are working different hours is still very hard for her adjust. Not that she is sticky, but just maybe we are used to seeing each other often after work, especially since we work in the same building. Especially compounded by the fact that girlfriend doesn’t have much hobbies compared to me.

For me I do a bit of light reading if I can’t sleep, or surf online for stuff, or do the occasionally Dota game from time to time. Sometimes I plan. Or plot. Haha. I am just kidding. Sometimes I just wonder about stuff. About property prices or I daydream about winning the lottery. I don’t approve of gambling, but with ten million dollars at stake, I guess I can forsake my principles (and ten bucks) for a shot at that collective sum of money. Sometimes i think about stupid things to cheer girlfriend up. I know my biceps aren't bigger, but I just want to make her smile. Sometimes i say silly things like that.

I think there are some issues we have to settle, but I am glad, despite the problems we went through; we still have something concrete that no one can take away. You know, I used to think about my future.




Now I think about our future.