Excuses, excuses

I must admit, there are a lot of times in life when shit happens I just side step out of the way and let some poor fellow take the bull. Don’t get me wrong. I am not that big of an asshole yet. Many a times, I would shoulder the blame, although usually in those cases, there is no one else for me to point my finger at. But nonetheless, there is always this couple of phrases that I would rely on to make my escape from inconvenient topics or situations.

“I am on diet.”

Ah… most of you should have at one point or another heard me use this one. This is one of my commonly used excuses whenever I don’t feel like eating, or I hate the food. Sometimes, it’s a case of already being too full in the first place.

But hell no. The people eating with me will comment about how skinny I am, or how wasteful it is and how children in Africa are starving and how I am going to hell even if I one day ended up saving the entire population of the globe because of my kickassness, simply because I couldn’t friggin finish my food!

But that is when this handy phrase comes in to save the day. The guys would likely be laughing and joking upon hearing this, while the ladies would give me a sympathetic smile, like they understand the pains of diet. When they hear this, there is an automatic assumption that it’s NOT because I can’t finish, it’s because I had to control myself from eating too much. In fact, I believe this will actually elevate my status as they think I am a fellow dieter. Of course, sometimes, the other extreme happens. Some girls would laugh and joke about what a dumb idea it is for me to diet, but later secretly go to the toilet to check their waistline when people aren’t watching. Whatever happens, it helps to get them off my back.

“I am gay”

This is by far, my favorite and my best excuse. A lot of things in life can be explained simply by gayness. Why did you do projects with guys instead of babes? Because I am gay. Why you don’t consider her as a prospective girlfriend? Because I am gay. Why does Superman wear his underwear on the outside? Because I am……wait, I can’t take credit for this one; Superman is gay.

Seriously try it. It gets you out of many situations by defusing the tension, changing the subject, or arousing interest in the other party. Frankly, the latter is usually NOT recommended, but hey, whatever floats your boat man.

Ever been in situation when you are just sitting down with a group of friends, and your friends try to play match maker? The typical pattern would be that they causally ask why you don’t consider this so and so girl as a potential partner and then try to pair you up depending on your answer. This is a trick question! Especially more so when the “so and so” girl is just SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. 2 ways to go about it. Either you be an ass/truthful and tell her straight to the face that you wouldn’t even consider her after plastic surgery, or you can let her down gently by saying my pet phrase. Your choice, but mine saved my ass a couple of times. Who knows, that girl might have babelious friends so that you can “change” your alignment when you feel like it. Of course this can backfire. In the worse ways possible. With someone chionging your ass. Use it with caution.






That’s it for part I. I am shagged out from writing so much. More to come if work is slack later.